Vampires

Editor’s Note: So, I wrote this play in two hours waiting for my wife’s business classes to end for the day. It’s very silly, but I ended up liking it, since I often feel like the author in this play.

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Dramatis Personae

Boy – The hero of the Writer’s story

Girl – The heroine (sort of?) of the Writer’s story

Writer – The Writer of the fictional story portrayed by the Boy and the Girl

Wife – Wife of the Writer

The stage is dark with ominous music playing softly in the background, rumbling cellos foreshadowing some kind of portent or doom. Lights turn on after 10 or so seconds, revealing a teenage Boy and teenage Girl. The Boy is tall with ridiculously stylized hair and is fairly, possibly artificially, pale. He wears dark colored jeans and a black jacket zipped all the way up to his neck. The Girl is wearing standard high school clothes. The Boy is circling the Girl warily. The Girl stands straight and still, petrified. To the left is a disheveled male Writer sitting, staring at a typewriter on an otherwise bare desk. Finally, the Writer begins to type.

Girl (frightened): I know what you are.

Boy: Say it.

The Girl says nothing.

Boy (commanding): Say it! Say it out loud!

Girl (immediately, softly): Werewolf!

The ominous music freezes. The Writer pauses, and shakes his head. Edits.

Girl: No, wait, you’re a Frankenstein…golem…thing!

The Boy stops, puzzled.

Girl: Uh, I mean, uh, centaur! No, unicorn! No wait, pixie! Er, Murloc?

Writer (to himself): C’mon, those aren’t even humanoid! Something else…

The Boy shakes his head, throws his arms up in exasperation and begins to walk off stage.

Girl: I mean, leprechaun!

The Boy freezes in his tracks. The ominous music starts up again, and the Boy walks towards the Girl with swagger and begins to circle her once more.

Boy (even more commanding): Say it again!

The Girl is terrified, and she closes her eyes shut, her fists clenched as the Boy begins to whisper into her ear.

Boy (whispering fiercely): Say it again!

Girl (softly, scared): Leprechaun.

The Boy, Girl, and ominous music pause, and the Girl starts to laugh but stifles it. The Boy strides away, staring off into the distance, not even missing a beat.

Boy: Yes, I am a leprechaun. That’s why you need to stay away from me.

Girl: No!

Boy: Yes! You have no idea what danger you’re in by trying to be with me in a high school dating relationship! Don’t you know what (hesitation) leprechauns…do?

Girl (giggling): You…hide gold?

Boy pauses in his circling, furrowed brow indicating hard thought. The Writer does the same thing.

Boy (exploding): No! Those are fairy tales! (He falters) I uh, engage in…gang wars?

Girl: Gang wars?

Boy: Yeah. We fight for our turf….and…street corners selling four leaf clovers and lucky charms?

Girl (clearly confused): Against who?

Boy: Uh. Vampires.

Girl (worshipfully, softly): Vampires.

The ominous music starts up again, even louder than before. The Writer stands up, struck with inspiration. He paces back and forth and then sits down. As he rips the paper out and puts in a new one, the Boy and Girl rewind back to the original scene.

Girl (frightened): I know what you are.

Boy: Say it.

The Girl says nothing.

Boy (commanding): Say it! Say it out loud!

Girl (worshipfully, softly like before): Vampire.

Boy: How do you know this?

Girl thinks for a minute. The ominous music pauses again. She then frowns.

Girl: Wait, yeah. How do I know this? You’re uh…pasty. And uh…hot?

Boy: What else?

Girl: No wait, my assumptions can’t be right. It’s not like you turned into a bat in front of me or something. And vampires burst into flame in the sunlight. How would you get to school if you couldn’t feel sunlight?

Boy: We’re…a special…breed of vampire.

Girl: How?

Boy: Well, we don’t immolate in the sun.

Girl: How convenient then. What happens to you instead?

Boy: Huh?
Girl: In the sunlight. If you don’t combust, what happens to you?

Boy (obviously making it up as he goes): I uh, glow.

Girl: Glow?

Boy: Yeah. Like those glow in the dark skeletons you get when you trick or treat on Halloween.

Girl: Halloween! You celebrate Halloween? Then you must be a vampire!

Boy & Writer: Ugh, glowing? That’s stupid.

Boy: No, I don’t glow.

Girl: But you just said –

Boy: No, even better. I, uh, sparkle?

Girl: Wait, sparkle?

The ominous music starts up even louder than before! The light shifts from the Boy and Girl, revealing a single, piercing shaft of light onto the center of the stage. The Boy walks over into the light, and then peers at the Girl with a sultry look. The Girl looks on with breathless anticipation and lust.

Boy: Watch!

The Boy slowly unzips his jacket, careful not to show anything underneath. Then, in one single overly dramatic flourish, the jacket flies off, revealing an incredibly gaudy shirt covered in fake rhinestones and other sparkly things, like glitter. The Boy strikes a pose, complete with jazz hands, to which the girl shrieks and swoons to the floor. The ominous music stops again. The Writer looks at his typewriter, then the scene, in disbelief. The light fades on the Boy and Girl. Enter Wife stage right.

Wife: Honey, dinner’s ready.

Writer: I think I just created a vampire protagonist with ambiguous sexual orientation.

Wife (confused): What?

Writer (standing up): Never mind. I’ll just go wash up.

Writer exits stage left. The Wife walks over, reads what is still in the typewriter, then smiles.

Wife: Hey, this isn’t half bad.

Writer (from off stage): Oh no, it’s very bad!

The Wife sits at the table, and begins to type. The ominous music to play softly once more in the background. The light reveals the Boy and Girl again. The Girl stands up and then walks over to the Boy, who is repulsed by her oozing affection and teenage lust.

Boy: Stay away!

Girl: Why?

Boy: Because you…you…smell really good. Like, better than steak.

Girl: But you smell so good! Like the very fields and mountains of Valhalla itself! Or Brittney Spears’ Obsession! Even your breath smells good!

Boy (taken aback): Wait, my breath?

Fade to black.

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